I haven’t been writing in here as often as I intended, and I realize it’s because I’m often having trouble finding my words lately. I think in the past when I’ve felt that way, I could sit at the piano and play and play till the wheels started turning again. But now I just look at my instruments, sigh, and walk away. I find myself more easily frustrated, feel like things don’t make a lot of sense, but I can’t really pinpoint why. And I’m the type of person that NEEDS to know why. So I finally sat down and gave it some thought.
Moving to New Jersey was all about stepping outside my comfort zone–something I’d dare say I’ve rarely ever done in my life. When I was young, I was too afraid. When I was bolder, I could no longer afford it. Now I’m finally at a point where I’m blessed enough to have a chance to explore, and I just. don’t. know. what. I’m. doing. I’ve always played it safe–studied a major I didn’t love but knew I could get decent grades in, took jobs I didn’t love but knew I could get by in. I played roles I knew how to play. I knew what I needed to do to be a “good Chinese daughter” and be praised by Auntie So-and-so. Now I finally have an opportunity to discover what truly fulfills and pleases me without judgment, and I realize I have no idea how to. I’ve learned that stepping out of your comfort zone is more like leaving earth–you don’t simply end up on another planet, but instead you start floating around in space.
Don’t get me wrong, exploring space is REALLY cool. But it opens up a bunch of new risks I’ve never faced before, and naturally means I’m going to fail more often than I used to. I don’t understand why things don’t make sense when I literally just shook my whole life up. Of course a lot of things aren’t. Of course I’m no longer going to always know what I’m supposed to do next. Of course I’m going to be more fragile than I’ve ever been. That was the whole point, Ting! I just had a job interview that pretty much ended with “you’re not a fit for this role because you’re new to the area.” I wasn’t upset about it, but it sure gave a very clarifying sense of reality.
And so here I am, lost in space. Do I just find the next nearest planet and make a crash landing? Do I keep hoping a perfect planet will come my way before I run out of oxygen? Will I drag down the one person that’s stuck with the “new me” while I spend my days just gazing at the stars? Will I be strong enough to create new tethers for myself and discover a new normal?
I don’t know. All I know for now is I’m not going back to earth. So I better get used to sucking at things, and, frankly, suck it up.
Squirrels Ate The Car! 